Don’t worry, this is not one of those alarmist opinion pieces about the global effects of climate change, that you've read so much about already. No, it’s just an alarmist opinion piece about the effects of certain weather conditions on me personally, as a productive member of society. In his new standup special, currently touring in the U.S. again, Louis CK rang up the curtains with a remark about how he hates opening up the curtains in the morning if the sun is out in full force. That’s because under those circumstances he feels the pressure of going out, seizing the day, meeting people and getting stuff done. He’d rather spend the day at home doing nothing with gusty winds and heavy rainfall outside, so that he doesn’t have to confront himself about the lethargic mood he’s in. I've been feeling the exact same thing, especially in the weeks leading up to his show in Amsterdam, albeit ‘slightly’ different. After giving it some thought I came to the illation that for me the pressure is more about spending the day as carefree and lackadaisical as possible, resulting in the same build-up of anxiety. For one thing that’s probably because I’ve been living amongst fire and brimstone protestants for so long that, next to rubbing me the wrong way, their Calvinism must have rubbed off on me as well. And to be honest I can’t really afford to do nothing at the moment. Winter is coming and this little grasshopper is still in the midst of home improvement, with lots of badly insulated living spaces, unpainted walls, and yet to be laminated floors to fix up. Doing nothing has its benefits to be sure. You might reach a meditative state where you clear your mind and allow creative ideas to seep in. But whenever I’m conscious of the fact that I’m doing nothing except for tracking UV-light like a sunflower, I can’t help but feel like a solar charger without a cause. The only practical use that springs to mind is that, over time, local artisans might make handsome accessories from my overexposed leathery skin. Like wallets or shoulder bags, maybe even a briefcase if I start overeating again. I wonder if they’ll ever make a donor card for that in case of a shortage in cattle. The act of monetizing everything in society is an art in itself. And fashion designers are quite resourceful. This last year I have managed to fight off the urge to immediately go outside whenever the sun rears its fiery head, intent on doing something useful indoors only to flounder and end up staring out the window wistfully instead. Paralyzed by hope. Apparently all that ‘meditating’ in the past hasn’t borne much fruit. I was out of ideas. Maybe I wasn’t doing it right. A lot of times I just took my bike out and cycled aimlessly for hours, in the periphery of the Rijnmond region south of the Maas river and the South-Hollandic isles. Even though this activity yielded an improved physical fitness and a lot of beautiful pictures that attract comparatively high numbers of likes on Facebook, it left me with an unfulfilled feeling after a while and an as yet unfinished home. Staying at home or exposing myself to the ordinarily conducive summertime elements was like being between Scylla and Charybdis. Whether I was out and about or not, my mind was stuck in buffering mode. Lately however, I feel like I may have found myself a winning combination. Tired of surveying the same landscapes over and over again but invariably drawn to direct sunlight, I directed my focus inward as I spent more leisure time in my garden and the nearby park, this time with a laptop or a notepad within arm’s reach. So far it has brought me fresh impetus to proceed with my home improvement, as long as it's cloudy while I'm busy. And it got me writing again for the first time in over four years.
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Ever since John decided to buy his first mobile phone, it was apparent that it would never devolve into the kind of love affair that has become so typical of this modern generation, where tv advertisers feel free to mention the fact that human couples spend more time with their phones than with each other and - in the next sentence - unironically try to sell them their data plan and 'the telephone of their dreams'.
To begin with, John wasn’t so keen on keeping himself available at all times, and in all places, to people who weren’t in his vicinity. If he was out bicycling or sojourning in a city park, you’d simply have to wait to relay a message to him. You couldn’t even leave a voicemail message because he didn’t have a voicemail service. That all changed when he lost his cozy office job at a 5-minute walk from his home and applied for a job at the post office, delivering real life mail for a living. His employer informed him that a mobile phone was mandatory because he’d need it in case of an emergency or whatever. Prompted to buy one in advance, he chose the cheapest device for only 10 euros. As soon as he found another cozy office job in a different city, he ditched the damned thing and it lingered around in a drawer unused for nearly a year. The pre-paid number would have expired too if it weren’t for a sudden need to cut back on expenses after John’s contract wasn’t extended and he joined the ranks of the unemployed for the first time since his college years. He terminated his DSL internet broadband connection and exchanged it for a 3G mobile broadband connection. He could also no longer use his VOIP telephony, because the new broadband connection was too narrow for that, but he refused to spend money on a regular phone service.
Making calls was therefore out of the question from here on in. Where he could use his voip- and work phone in the past, he now had to rely solely on e-mail and text messages. But sending e-mails on the go was troublesome now that he was out and about more often. He had a laptop but you can’t whip out a laptop that easily on the road. There’d be no such problem with a smartphone tucked away in his pocket , so he decided upon buying one as a long-term investment. As soon as he found the cheapest model available, he stripped it of as many applications and updates as he could. Facebook, ever the memory slurping and push notifications spewing juggernaut, was the first to go. John swiped it out of existence as determinedly as St. George slayed the dragon. Same applied with twitter, games, movies and books. The only thing he was intent on keeping were system updates. Not that there were any. The phone apparently was already obsolete the moment he bought it. Just like those Samsung phones the news reported about later on. He didn’t mind though.
The only apps he's using until this day are Gmail, online banking, camera and the weather service. And he has actually started calling people with it! Free of charge, thanks to his mother’s T-mobile family plan he’s now a group member of. So basically, his smartphone is nothing more than an ennobled mobile phone. It’s WiFi has turned WiFri (frigid) and it’s Bluetooth brown from rust.
Raymond Kurtzweil will be so disappointed if he finds out. John’s orphaned and nigh obsolete smartphone is probably still the most sophisticated piece of technology he has. If he represents the typical average household, the singularity won’t take place for at least another couple of centuries.
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Johannis van der LindenIk woon in de wijk Charlois, Rotterdam. Ben geïnteresseerd in politiek, muziek en literatuur. Wanneer ik soms mijn intellectuele luiheid overwin, schrijf ik er ook graag iets over. Archives
September 2016
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